Happy Birthday Braxton!!!

BRAXTON ROSELL MCRAE

11/06/2010

 I can't believe that three years ago today Marc and I became parents. It still is such a surreal experience when I think back on this day. It all happened so fast, and pretty dramatic if I do say so, but I wouldn't change anything that happened...

When I called Marc and told him my water broke at 1 am, he and his sisters hopped in the the car in the middle of the night and drove 10 hrs. straight from California. They listened to the new Taylor Swift CD the WHOLE way and to this day when we put that CD in it brings back a flood of memories and emotion. haha I was on an airplane with my mom being flown to the U of U listening to monitors and nurses talk back and forth trying to get my thoughts together and trying not to think the worst. Hours of labor took place and then our sweet baby Brax came into the world. Immediately I was a mom, Marc was a dad, we were PARENTS! I was in shock and truly didn't come out of it until I had to leave the hospital...then reality. We stayed in the Ronald McDonald house the first night and I remember crying every hour. I remember thinking (as I manually pumped every three hours) where is my baby? Why isn't he here with me? Why can't I just stay in the hospital with him? Would he live? Would he know who his mom was? This experience became one of the most trying, emotional, celestial experiences I have had. In the lllooonnnggg, but relatively short, month that Braxton was in the NICU I learned some of the hardest lessons. I remember most days wanting to throw in the towel and wondering how I could leave Braxton for another night, another hour, another minute. I needed him to know that I was his mom and that I was there for him. 

I remember the smell of the NICU and if I wash my hands in a hospital, I am taken back each time to the rough, cracked hands that Marc and I got washing probably 20 times a day. Our favorite day of the week was Thursday because Asian Star would come cater in the cafeteria, that was a boost each week.

Driving from Orem to the U is still, to this day, a very reverent drive and I usually am reminded of the conversations that Marc and I had. Most were him comforting me and helping me try to realize that what our son needed I was providing even though he wasn't home with us. He was my rock during that whole experience and I will never forget. 

I became very selfish during this time and resented anytime that I wasn't with Braxton. I didn't want anyone replacing me as a mom, unfortunately this would haunt me for several months after and I can attest that anxiety and depression can creep in, in such subtle ways. Thankfully I was able to get the help I needed and am able to look back at Braxton's Birth and stay in the NICU in a positive light. I can look back and see what lessons were meant to be learned, how Heavenly Father's hand was in everything, how we are truly the luckiest parents in the world to have such a sweet, strong, spirit in our family.

Sometimes I think, what a bad dream! But then, seeing the 3 year old boy sleeping on the floor next to me, I would do it again in a heart beat if it means that I get to hear him laugh all day and jabber. I would do it again if it means that I get to watch him play all day and find the joy in the little things, teach us all patience, and how to be strong. He brings such a special spirit in our home and I am grateful each day for the privilege it is to be his mom. I am challenged each and every day but for the past three years I have been so blessed, even on the hard days. 

Braxton is now a vivacious three year old and goes non-stop! He is so friendly and loves everyone. He is learning so much and I am thankful that he is teaching Millie, and soon, this new baby boy how to be more tolerant, loving and happy! I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for such an amazing, perfect boy!

Wish we could celebrate with all of our family members and with everyone who helped us through the rough times over the past three years we love you all and wouldn't be where we are today without you and all of your sacrifices on our behalf!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy! We LOVE You so much! Thanks for coming to our family! :)